God, fuck everything, you know? Haha. 

I think I’m fucking losing it. I really do.

I don’t know what happened tonight. I don’t care either. My dad was over here to drop off my brother and I since we spent the weekend with him.

All was going pretty well until they had to put my brother to bed.

I don’t know what happened. All I know is that there was yelling and arguing and it was something about my brother not wanting to go to bed and throwing a tantrum. 

Then Juan and Adrianne started arguing. They took it outside for the whole neighborhood to hear. 

My dad wants custoday of us.

He called the police and reported her.

Whatever it was, I’m certain it wasn’t bad enough to get police involved.

He’s playing dirty, I guess. I’m not stupid.

Honestly, I don’t care what happened or what the reason was. 

Just…

All of my life there’s been arguing and cop cars and it has screwed me up to the point of no return. 

I don’t even blame one of them more than the other. I know I talk shit about my mom a lot, but tonight, I just want to be far away from both of them. 

I can’t take any more of this shit, so I ran off. I’m not home right now, I’m sitting outside someone’s house using my iPod. I guess they have internet.

I guess I’ll go back later, but I just can’t be there right now. I think the police are gone now, though. 

I got so upset that that clawing/squeezing/stabbing/punching thing happened again.

I just really don’t want to be around either of them, or anyone for that matter.

Really what is happening to me

Which is why I’m choosing to put this here, where literally one person follows me.

I just got this sudden surge of emotions. I guess right after Gabie went to sleep, because after that, I had no one to talk to.

I feel depressed, lonely, and angry all at once. Or, it’ll switch to one of those emotions in two seconds without warning.

I literally want to hit my head against something, or stab something. Especially stab. It feels kind of nice to me. I haven’t really felt this in a while.

I stopped taking my meds a few days ago because my psychiatrist upped my dosage, and I started to lose my appetite. Like, not eating anything at all except for peanut butter. And now I feel like this.

I don’t think feeling the need for a companion helps this, either. Even talking to someone might suffice right now.

All of my emotion is going to my hands and it’s not fucking comfortable.

And oh God the fact that Seek the Highbl00d is playing in the background with all the honks and growls isn’t helping either.

I feel like I could harm something.

But throughout this post, I’m eating a bowl of cereal, and I’m feeling a tad bit better, until I start thinking about it again.

I like him. He’s cool. We’ve known him for a long time.

But he is always fucking drunk. I’ve known him for like, eight years, and there’s only been a couple of times in my life where he hasn’t been drunk. And if he’s not drunk, then he’s drank so much that’s it’s gotten to the point where he always slurs his words and it seems like he’s drunk.

When I come of age, this house is automatically mine, and I do plan to move back.

But he’s always drunk. My mom is on the phone with him and he’s drunk right now.

I… kind of want to cry..

Because I know he’s going to destroy my fucking house.

I’m tired.

Oh, so remember my mother? The one I really really hate? The one that pretty much screwed me over that I now will probably have to go live with on a fucking farm? Yeah, her.

Well as previously mentioned, I’m going to have to move with her, which I really really—I would give anything—don’t want to do.

She initially said that she wouldn’t rent the house out to my dad because she wanted more money than he was willing to give.

What I didn’t know is that she’s renting it out to her fucking friend because he would pay her more.

So she’s basically choosing money and her friend over her own daughter, which quite frankly, shouldn’t surprise me. But it does. I’m devastated and outraged beyond belief, and I want to physically hurt her. I truly mean that.

But wait, there’s more!

So she kept saying how she had all this money and was going to live on this huge farm and blah blah blah, which is bullshit. Everyone knows she doesn’t have ant fucking money.

“I have a lot of money on paper, I just need liquid cash.” SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU DON’T HAVE SHIT.

Anyway, here’s the most devastating part of all: Because she actually doesn’t have enough money, she wants to “borrow” money from my and my brpther’s college fund.

If she does, she’ll never put that money back.

I have to live with a woman I despise more than anything else, I won’t get to see my dad or the rest of my family, I won’t get to see my friends, and now I might not even get to go to the college of my dreams.

It’s all because of her.

Oh.

And I was so happy for a while. I had nothing to complain about, aside from small, menial things that aren’t a big deal.

I was *so* happy. I made great new friends, I was having fun with Kendyl, I was looking forward to Sacanime.

Nothing to worry about. No huge responsibilities.

I wasn’t attracted to anyone, which was actually pretty nice. Kind of feel asexual right now, which is actually perfectly fine because there’s no drama and no one else to please but Alex.

SO happy.

That’s not something I get a lot.

I guess good things never last forever.

Sigh. So many sighs.

I know everyone goes through hard times, so I probably shouldn’t be whining as much as I do. Usually I look at situations from all points of view, and can usually say, “Hey at least it’s not this which is a lot worse.” This time though, I really don’t see how this benefits anyone but my goddamned mother.

I hate living with her. I’ve lived with her all my life, and it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even stand her most of the time. I’ll save the things that perturb me so much about her for a different post. That’s gonna be a long one, since I’d be cramming a whole 16 years of dislike and problems into one post.

This post, however, is focused on something that just happened tonight.

So the plan was, that she was going to move pretty far, and she was going to rent our house to my dad so I could live with him and stay here and finish school and be with my friends and etc. All was fine and dandy, and I was getting pretty excited about her finally being gone and me getting to live with my dad. My dad and I have always gotten along way better.

And she says how she loves me, she’s not going to force me to live with her anymore, she wants me to finish school here and all that crap. I thought, that for once in my fucking life, things would be on my side.

Now, I kind of have problems. I usually don’t explode and get really upset, but when I do, it’s really bad. I get anxiety, my chest hurts, and I get this really uncomfortable urge to to stab, claw, punch, or squeeze something. All of my emotion just goes to my hands. I’ll start doing said things mentioned above, and won’t even realize it right away. I won’t realize it until I’ve actually damaged something. It’s really not good.

So tonight, my dad calls me in and sighs and says “There’s been a change of plans. She doesn’t want to rent the house out to me anymore because she thinks she can get more money renting it to someone else.”

I became so filled with rage and depression and a mixture of all these other terrible fucking emotions, that I wanted to break everything.

Usually when I get upset, I go and sit in my front yard, and just relax, but it was pretty fucking hard to relax at that point. I get worked up really easily.

I wanted to throw something really badly, and it just so happens I was holding my new sketch book. Guess who almost destroyed it woops.

So I sat out there for a good hour just crying, throwing lose pieces of cement, and unknowingly clawing at the cement, and I guess my arm too, because it has scratches all over it and some on my face too.

Yup I guess I’m pretty messed up. Oh well.

Also, I fucking hate that woman, and I hope she’s terribly miserable when she moves. Let me cross my fingers and hope I won’t be moving with her now.

On top of it all, my precious little cat is still missing, probably gone for good now, which is also her fault.

I feel like crying again now.

God fucking damnit.